Dear April,
I’m an independent single mom with my guard up and chip on my shoulder for any man that wasn’t my son. I’ve spent the last two years focusing on myself and my son. I’ve dated around but never took anyone too seriously because I was on a mission to love myself before I love another man… plus I already cater and cook and clean for one little boy, I was in no rush to wipe a man’s backside for him too. I’m very confident, and I usually leave men in the dust.
A year ago a man gave me his card. I forgot about it. A month later I ran into him again and we chatted for a minute, but I left him hanging again. A month later I was on a “date” with some random guy and I saw this man AGAIN sitting at the bar with his friends. He came over to my table and asked for my number. He wasn’t even my type look wise. But approaching me while Im on another date showed a lot of confidence, so I gave him my number. After two weeks of phone conversations he convinced me to go out. Instead of the typically lame first date we went wine tasting and bowling, then we went to Walmart because he needed to buy amo to go shooting in the morning, and we bought board games, ice cream and root beer, then went to his house to play checkers and drink root beer floats and watch a movie. We fell asleep on the couch, then moved to the bedroom where he gave me a pair of sweats. We didn’t kiss or have sex… It was like we knew each other for 10 years and we just hung out like old friends. It was nice, different… We’ve been dating ever since!
He makes me want to be back into the marriage scene. He makes me want to work hard and be successful like him. He will make a perfect husband. He has a career and children and goals and future plans already accomplished. He intimidates me and now that he has got to know me and what I am all about, I question why he is with me at times.
But now that we are “boyfriend and girlfriend” I have no confidence. I choke up and cant spit out a word; I feel embarrassed; the littlest flaw I have I all of a sudden become insecure about. I don’t want to look him in the eye; I tense up; I cant carry a conversation with him. I have a thousand thoughts in my head going over the flaws he could leave me for. He says he likes me for my humor and he too sees a future with me. He sees me as a wife and mother. So, why do I have nothing to say when I see him if I know I like him so much? Why do I insist on wearing my makeup all the time and dressing up around him and afraid to take it off like I’m trying to impress him when he doesn’t even like it when I wear makeup? I don’t want to be all shy around him. I want to be secure and confident and fun to be around when I am with him. I don’t want to worry about our future all the time. I’m afraid that Im going to lose his attention and interest in the relationship if I can’t even hold a conversation anymore!
Sincerely,
Insecure
Dear Insecure,
Shakespeare wrote, “The lady doth protest too much,” and that means that when someone says the same thing over and over, there’s a good chance it’s not true. I’ve heard you tell me in your post how confident you are over and over, and before you reached your own conclusion at the end of the post, I was scratching my chin and thinking, hmmmmm, for someone so confident she sure does have to sell herself a lot!
You’ve become hardened, and while I’m not sure when or why that happened, the bottom line is that you have a lot of masculine energy and this guy you’ve met, who sounds great, has more than you do, and for the first time in a long time (or ever), he’s turning you into more of a woman. You’ve met your match in terms of male role playing. You wanted a man who wasn’t a boy — like your son — and you got a man! This one does not act like a child — but that dynamic demands you be the woman (not the mother), and that you be honest and open and soft in a way you probably haven’t done that in ages.
The glue of relationships is honesty and respect and you can’t have the latter without the former. Your fear of showing your true self is going to prevent you from having his utmost respect and may sabotage the relationship. You’ve done so much in your life — but you haven’t been really honest — and risked rejection like this (with something and someone you really want). Well, darling, it’s time! Getting naked is nothing compared to being honest. You need to peel back the layers and show him who you are, warts and all. You need to cop to your fears. You need to tell him how you feel when you’re around him, and you need to feel and think deeper. What you don’t realize is that by being honest, you give him a chance to see — and love — and reveal his own deeper self. And then what happens is that the relationship reaches even more intimate and precious levels. Sex will be even better. Trust will be better. Respect will be better.
Yes, you do risk rejection. And that’s what’s held you back, but as you already know, you’re at a turning point and if you don’t face that fear and possible rejection…. you insure it. So, be brave. Be yourself — your whole self — and let him see you. You’ll find that if you do, you’re not turning into someone else, you’re evolving and authenticating your real self.
