Dear April,
I am recently divorced and my lover is married. He goes out of his way to see me — he drives three hours each way and helps me monetarily. This has been going on for over a year now: he visits me for five days or so then goes home to his house where the wife and daughter still live to pay all the bills and buy food for them and leave money for the wife so she can buy her cigarettes and beer. He claims he hates it there but still has not separated from his wife or started the divorce process. He gets mad when I say I cant live like this. I hated to say it’s me or them but I did in a text message last night. Now I don’t know if I did the right thing. I love him so much and he does me but I hate that he leaves me then goes home to her even though he says they have not had sex in over ten years. She knows he’s cheating..where the hell does she think he’s been for days at a time? He says they never talk about it and she never asks where he’s been and who with. When he’s here his daughter texts a lot about how bad she and mom are fighting or the garage door won’t lock or the kitchen drawer broke! Should I break all ties with him? He is such a great man and I hate to lose him but I guess i am saying I can’t stand his double life anymore.
Signed,
I Love A Married Man
Dear I Love A Married Man,
Actions speak louder than words and when it comes to relationships, you should always pay attention to a man’s behavior to know where you stand. It helps a lot when his words line up with his behavior, but many times when you’re confused it’s because he’s saying one thing and doing another. In that case, behavior trumps language, and you should know how he really feels about you by what he does.
I know you love your boyfriend and you want things to work out, but don’t get yourself all convoluted. He may have a bad marriage and you may be a better woman than his wife, but the bottom line is that he is married — and he doesn’t appear to want to leave his marriage. In fact, his wife seems to be holding staying steady because it would certainly be easy enough for her to file for divorce because she hates that her husband leaves her for five days at a time, regularly, for over a year now. But she doesn’t. Whatever they have in terms of a marriage, they seem to be committed to it.
Many times women think that they can change men, but after a year of the same behavior and your having made your wishes clear, it’s unrealistic for you to expect him to behave otherwise. Your boyfriend is clearly committed to his wife and daughter. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but he’s not going to leave his wife for you. He’s got things the way he wants them — sex with you and marriage with her. That set up suits him, and if you want a change, you’re going to have to make it. He isn’t going to do so.
What you have to do is to decide if you want to stay in this relationship or not. If what you want is a monogamous relationship, look elsewhere. He’s made it clear he won’t give you that.
