Dear April,
James is a doctor I met at a club while he was visiting Hawaii, where I live, for a family party back in July. We hit it off right away and went on a couple of dates while he was in Hawaii and yes we had sex. When he went back to the mainland we kept in touch via text, e-mail, hour(s) long phone calls and skype. It seemed like he was really into me. He would send me messages telling me I was his angel and that he was so blessed to have me and he has waited so long to find someone like me that he felt passionate about. I would not go a whole two hours a day without hearing from him.
About a month after we met, he asked me to go to Vegas with him for three nights. In Vegas we had a blast, but I felt things were a little awkward, like he was holding back, but he introduced me to some of his friends and we had a great time with them. Then, he booked me a flight to come to the mainland and stay with him for a week around the time of his birthday, but he wasn’t texting me as often or calling me as often for about a week or so and the cuteness of his messages diminished.
I visited him for his birthday and stayed with him for six days. He introduced me to his siblings, took me to church introduced me to his parents, and his sister asked me about my daughter which means that he mentioned me to her. I met a lot of his friends and I feel like he wasn’t used to bringing women he dated around his circle, so I felt special.
Now that I’m home, he’s not contacting me as much as usual. When I call him everything seems normal, but I just hate feeling like I have to call him. I REALLY like him. He’s everything I could want for myself and more. We are not “boyfriend and girlfriend” but I don’t want to see anyone else and I thought he felt the same. What should I do? How do I get him to pay more attention to me again? I know he’s facing some stressful financial issues…..(his practice made 20,000 dollars less last month than the average month) and he is looking at lowering the amount of days he holds his practice open per week and cutting the hours of his assistants. I want to be more than his friend.
Signed,
Long Distance Lovelorn
Dear Long Distance Lovelorn,
He did lose interest.
The problem with long distance relationships is that the normal rules don’t apply. So let’s define what it is you actually have: You met in July and hit it off. Then you met up in Vegas for a few days in August and hit it off again. Then it sounds like you spent six days with him in September when he introduced you to family and friends. But now this month that you’re back home in Hawaii and he’s a plane ride away, you have no more dates on the calendar, and he isn’t pursuing you in a meaningful way.
If he were horrible to you or if you had bad sex or a disagreement over something important or he hadn’t introduced you to his friends and family, it would be more clear that this was a fling fueled casual relationship, but because he’s done a lot of the things that men do when they’re serious about a woman, you’re left thinking there may be more to be had here — in fact you’re desperately hoping that there is more to be had!
What you ultimately have is a fantasy holiday sex romance and that’s very different from a day to day relationship. Flying around and meeting up for days at a time, is exciting and glamorous, but it’s not enough to build a long term relationship. You need the mortar between the bricks to hold the structure together, and in this case, the mortar is the day to day contact and the week to week dates that help your relationship deepen as you get to know each other. I know that you had amazing fun and he even introduced you to his family and friends (always a good sign for the future of a relationship), but when it comes to having a real girlfriend who’s there through the good times and the bad (you mentioned his financial stresses as a bad time he’s having right now), he’s not as interested in that kind of a relationship with you right now. If he was, he’d be calling, e-mailing and sharing with you.
Ironically, the problem is he isn’t a dog, so he’s not going to treat you badly, which would be easy for you to define. He’s a basically very nice guy who had a great time with you, but isn’t interested in pursuing you more than he is — and you’re not happy about that.
When looking for Mr. Right it’s important to find someone who wants the same thing you do. Meeting on vacation is great, but it sounds like he’s looking for more of the same — a vacation girlfriend, not someone with whom to settle down. And I think that’s what you want.
It’s great to have a guy you like, but don’t put all your eggs in this basket. Keep your eyes open, your profile online (if you’re using dating sites) and don’t consider yourself exclusive when that’s not what he’s ready for.
