Dear April,
My husband and I have been together for just over three years and married for two years. He lived with me at the beginning of our relationship and always used my computer while I was at work. I found many links to different porn sights. I confronted him about it, saying that I wasn’t comfortable with him looking at it, especially on my computer. He stopped (or so it seemed) and I forgot about it. Just over a year ago, I got on his work computer, because mine was broken. The new Google Chrome displays the most recently viewed websites that you have been on. Again, there were two porn sights on there. I confronted him once again, and he said it was some of his employees at work that had been on his computer. I didn’t believe it, but I let it go. Now, just recently, I went to google something on his phone and his recent searches show that he actually looked up different sex scenes with specific women. I am very hurt and upset. I have told him multiple times that I am uncomfortable with him looking at these sites. It makes me feel like I am not enough for him and that I am not sexually attractive to him anymore. I haven’t gained more than 5 pounds since we first met, but I feel like I’m somehow not “doing it” for him anymore. Should I care so much???
Signed,
Porn in my marriage
Dear Porn in my marriage,
First of all, it seems pretty clear that you telling him not to watch porn isn’t working. You’ve done it multiple times, and when something clearly isn’t working, it’s good to try a different approach. So, you might as well quit banging your head against the wall. Instead, try and look at the problem from a different angle. Since you don’t seem to be indicating that he’s got addiction tendencies where this interest in naked women is interfering with his work and regular life, or that his interest is deviant and tends towards anything but grown women and grown men in the photos, and he’s not cheating on you in real life, let’s figure out what’s really going on!
It would help you to understand that men are visual in a way that women aren’t. They get turned on and enjoy looking at images that are beautiful and even sexual in a way that most women don’t. Photos of naked women make them feel sexual in a way that photos of naked women don’t necessarily make women feel. So instead of imposing your values on him, try and understand what he likes about his porn. If you can understand it, rather than get repulsed by it, you may be able to bridge the gap that the porn is making you feel in your relationship.
Most importantly, it sounds like the big problem here is that you feel inadequate and this porn is bringing out those feelings. It doesn’t sound like you have a morality issue here as much you feel that the porn is replacing you in the bedroom. So let’s go to work there!! I think this may be the root of the problem for you.
My advice is to get to work on those five extra pounds — and be glad it’s only five extra pounds! Start working on building a hotter sex life for you and your husband. It’s easy to let things slide once you’re married and to forget about taking care of yourself. Get back into the grooming routine you had when you first started dating him. Look datable all the time! Smell amazing. Re-vamp your lingerie wardrobe and go through your closet and put the sweats in the way back and the form fitting, alluring clothing up front and center!
Your marriage also needs a shot of romance, so if you don’t already have it, institute date night and take weekends away so you can rekindle the spark. He may forget the porn altogether — and/or you’ll think it’s a silly hobby that has nothing to do with your own marriage! All you may need is a little reassurance in the bedroom that you can stoke and ignite to make you not give a hoot about his past time.
