Dear April,

I am so sick of all of the games guys play!  Every time I get serious about someone he turns out to be a big waste of time. How can I tell when a man is serious about being in a committed relationship with me, and when one’s just playing games without wasting months and months of my time?

Signed,

Sick of Men Playing Games

Dear Sick of Men Playing Games, 

I’m going to tell you something that you probably don’t want to hear, but that you need to hear. The truth is, it’s usually not men who play games — it’s women!  Men, generally, know what they want and then actively try to pursue it. Women on the other hand, are rarely direct or clear about saying what they want… so women are actually the ones who play games. 

Understanding Man-Think

Men are either ready to be in a long term, committed relationship or they’re not. And it’s pretty easy to tell the difference between a man who just wants to date and one who is interested in a commitment. The problem is, women frequently do not pay attention to the signs.

Signs To Read & Rules To Remember

First:  If a man wants to be married, he’ll act like it. If he doesn’t, he’ll act like it. It is the woman’s responsibility to not waste her time.  If a man wants to play around — and you’ll know not because he says it, but because he does it — stay or go. Ladies, don’t stay and try to change him. That’s a game you create – and you won’t win. 

Simply, when a man is ready to become a husband—your husband—he starts acting like a husband. He will talk about the future and he will make plans for the future; he will introduce you to his family and friends; he will not only call you daily, but he’ll want to tell you the details of his day, while having a desire to hear about yours. A man that wants to get married, acts like he wants to get married. 

Second: A man who is not ready to get married behaves like a guy you are dating—meaning one of the guys you are dating. And if your guy’s own version of the biological clock isn’t telling him it’s time to commit, there’s absolutely no point in pushing him. You can make the mistake of giving him an ultimatum (as many women do), make promises about how great you’ll be to him, and even ultimately snag him, but I guarantee he’ll only end up resenting you for it, or worse—cheating or leaving. 

Third: Men want sex. Period. Just because a man has sex with you does not mean he wants to be your boyfriend or future husband. Don’t play the game where you convince yourself — and try to convince him, his friends, your friends and everyone’s families — that you have a meaningful relationship just because you’re having sex.

Fourth: Men who are serious about you will stop dating other people, and they will stop acting like a bachelor—frequenting online dating sites, bars, pool halls and dance clubs. The fact is the singles scene no longer appeals to a man who is ready to marry. Men ready to commit, no matter what age they are, will freely admit to feeling uncomfortable and out of place in singles settings. They will increasingly change their lifestyle to one that is more domestic, whether it is at their house, their married friends or their families. If he doesn’t do this, don’t play games with yourself, and try to pretend he wants more than he’s already getting.  

10 Tips for Determining If He Is Marriage Material

1. He introduces you to his friends.
2. He stops acting like a bachelor by frequenting bars and singles’ events that he used to go to regularly.
3. He stops traveling with a bunch of buddies and starts taking trips with you and only you.
4. He’s no longer interested in his old hobby of just getting laid.
5. He makes a significant place for you in his life at holiday time, whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas or Valentine’s Day by inviting you to a family function, or giving you a thoughtful gift.
6. He’s monogamous — and you’re sure of it.
7. He talks about getting married, settling down, having children, having a wedding – all with you.
8. He calls you daily. When he does he wants to hear about your day, and he wants to tell you details of his day.
9. He has a good, full time job, and he is financially independent. If he’s still struggling to pay the bills, he’s not going to welcome the financial burden of a wife and family. If he doesn’t have a job, he’s pretty far from being marriage material.
10. He isn’t married to his job. If he consistently cancels plans with you then his job is more important than balancing his relationship with the rest of his life is. However, definitely cut a successful man slack, but watch to make sure that when he does have a break in his work he wants to spend that time with you.