Dear April,
Do I owe someone that I have hung out with, (I wouldn’t even call them dates), three times, an explanation for not wanting to see him anymore? Here’s what happened: We met because he owns a small store that I have shopped at for a number of years now. He asked me out about two or three weeks ago and I agreed to go to lunch. Before we even went out I told this guy I had just gotten out of a relationship with someone else and that I wasn’t looking to jump back into a relationship again. I was up front about everything, so he starts “Well I would like to see you two to three times a week.” Then the second time I saw him it was “So, was your ex any good?” meaning in bed. Then it was, “I’m going to get you a Christmas present.” Um….Why? We aren’t even dating yet.
Am I just being hyper sensitive to all of this or does it just sound odd to you?
Dear 3 Dates Not That Into Him,
Clearly you don’t want to date him, and you certainly don’t owe him anything. A firm but polite response to his next request to date you, should make it clear that you’re no longer interested in him at all.
However, the reason you’re so wound up about this is because you’re mad at yourself for spending as much time with him as you did. For future, you might feel better about things if you understand that when you accept a lunch date with a guy, he may very well be looking for a long term relationship, and that there’s really nothing wrong with that, in fact, many women would find that charming and desirable! That you weren’t, means you were incompatible from day one! You had different goals for the relationship. His wanting to see you several times a week may have been an awkward statement that was too forward and too basically too much too soon on his part, but he was being clear with you that he wanted a more serious relationship. That could have been your cue to end the relationship there. If you had, I don’t think you’d be so ticked off at having gone on two more dates with him.
His next offense, his response about your ex-boyfriend’s ability in bed, was definitely rude and inappropriate — but consistent with his personality! This guy was awkward when he told you he wanted to date you two to three times a week. Some people miss social cues, and he may be a prize winner in that category! His third offense, that he wanted to buy you a Christmas present was actually very sweet — it’s not inappropriate to give someone you’re casually dating a gift, but his telling you about it, and doing so when you weren’t feeling the relationship, made you super annoyed. Clearly, the two of you were incompatible from day one, but you kept going out with him, hoping that he would change.
Don’t waste time with someone who isn’t compatible. It’ll keep you from getting annoyed, and from blaming him instead of yourself. Dating is a numbers game, and you have to meet people and decide if they’re your Mr. Right or not. The sooner you know yourself, the sooner you know if a person is right for you or not, and the more quickly you can eliminate wasting time dating the wrong guys!
