Please help me with my marriage!!!

I’ve been with my husband for the past 10 years. I have two young children. My marriage has been awful since fall of 2007. I found out recently why. He’s been cheating on me off and on for the last four years with a stripper.

I read his e-mails and saw that he professed love to this woman, took our son to meet her, shared our home movies with her, took her daughters out, and helped pay her bills. He also told his friends and hers that I talked too slow, was not intellectually challenging, never got his jokes, was awkward socially, and a bunch of other hurtful things.

We separated between 2008/2009, but then he broke up with the stripper at the end of 2009, and we moved back in together. I got pregnant and he only told her he was back with me when I was half way through the pregnancy, but now, we are separated again, because I found out that he is still in love with the stripper.

I told him to go be with her, but instead he came knocking on my door, and ended up spending the night. He’s scared of committing to the stripper because she has two troubled teenage daughters, a sick mother, and a “shady” past. We keep splitting up, but then he misses me, and we end up spending the night together over and over.

We don’t seem to be able to be angry with each other for very long in order to truly detach, no matter how much pain is involved. For example, after I found out about the affair, a few days later, he invited me to go out for dinner and drinks. We went, but the night ended with him having a jealousy attack about me and one of his friends. We came home, and he spent the night. Two days later we are fighting again, I am calling the cops on him. A few days later he is buying me a camera to replace the one he broke and calling me to say goodnight every night! The more I try to protect myself from getting hurt again, the closer he gets, but he is unable to commit and work on the relationship. Last week I went out with my friends. He had not called me all day, as soon as I left him a message saying that I was going out, he called me 3 or 4 times within the hour. He wanted to know all the details. Finally, he said that he thinks we will go around in circles and in the end, get tired of the world and end up together.

Should I even want to fix this? Should I keep letting him spend the night?

Signed,
Help Save My Marriage

Dear Help Save My Marriage,

You can’t fix your husband because he’s not really broken. He is who he is, and that is a man who can’t completely commit to you. He also can’t commit to his stripper. He’s never going to change his own behavior unless he really wants to, and he hasn’t given you any reason to believe that will happen. YOU are the only one YOU can fix, and because you’re married to a man who keeps cheating on you, the part of the equation you can fix is your own behavior. The problem is not your husband. It’s your inability to move on — and I don’t mean to sound harsh because I think you’re in a difficult situation with three children and a ten year marriage that has failed, but if you don’t pick yourself up and give yourself and your children a new life without him playing such a vital role, you’re going to dig yourself a deeper hole.

It’s very sad when a relationship ends, but feelings are not enough to make things right when you have a family. Behavior and character can make or break a relationship, and yours is a perfect case. Regardless of the feelings you and your husband have for each other, you’re creating a chaotic home for your children. Kids need constancy. They need to trust the structure of the family — even if it’s a divorced family, they need to know where their home is and who is in it in order to thrive. His leaving and leaving and leaving is not worse than your taking him in and taking him in and taking him in. Your home is a revolving door. You have to stop the cycle of chaos and create a stable and consistent home for your children — and yourself. He’s not going to help you with this. The job is yours.

Divorce is not worse than chronic chaos for kids, so quit the chaotic trio with your husband and his stripper lover and get divorced, get a custody order so you have structure for your children, and YOU move on emotionally so that you can end your marriage and find love with someone who is stable and loyal and loving.