Dear April,
I met this great guy online, the problem is – he lives in Seattle. Do you think that a long distance dating is realistic and do you have any tips on making long distance relationships work?
Signed,
Distance Dater
Dear Distance Dater,
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Or so we’ve been told. But after months of astronomical phone bills, sexual frustration, and doubts about whether or not he’s being faithful, many of us can become disillusioned with the whole long distance thing. Yet, seemingly out of nowhere, there has emerged a rapidly expanding army of “distance-daters”—in large part due to the fact that internet dating has come out of the preverbal closet and gone main stream. Everywhere, sexy singles are logging-on-to-love, no matter what the zip code—or continent. But, even if a couple found love the “old-fashioned” way, (shocker, without the internet, AKA face-to-face) and one person moves away for a long-term employment opportunity, there are some pros and cons of which all “distance-daters” should consider before beginning (and during) such a relationship:
The Pros and Cons of Becoming A “distance-dater”
CONS:
● Long-distance relationships can be expensive. Depending on where you both live, airline tickets and/or gasoline prices add up. Although this has always been a factor for long-distance relationships, most people don’t really stop and think: Can you really afford this relationship? Will the amount of money you’ll be spending induce stress and is that stress worth it? After all, if you’ve been putting your expenses on credit and you break up, you’re going to be reminded of that person every month when that bill comes in the mail. You’re going to be paying him off -plus interest!
- Lack of human contact. Even though you owe your new relationship to the internet, even the newest technology or your stuffed bear Felix can’t compete with kissing, holding hands or being able to cry on someone’s shoulder – literally.
PROS:
- You really get to know one another in a long-distance relationship. Inevitable hours of phone conversations or Instant Messaging are great forums in which to discuss each other’s feelings, goals, hopes, dislikes, etc. In these situations, men HAVE to listen to you.
- Spending some time apart is a great test of a relationship. You have to put a lot of faith and trust into the other person. If you can make it through some time apart and end up together, you know your souls have a strong connection. After all, it’s not a strong argument for love if people couple off simply because they live in the same zip code; love is a much bigger and greater measurement than the miles between you.
HOW TO MAKE IT WORK:
Every relationship takes work, and a long distance one takes even more—the truth be told, it all comes down to both of you making your relationship a priority, the same as you would do if you lived in the same city.
The Do’s and Don’ts of successful “Distance-Dating”:
- Do—have COUPLE TIME -a set time that is just for the two of you. No matter what you’re doing, if your “couple-time” is an eight o’clock phone call, you should always find a way to fulfill that commitment. Of course, with video phone and web casting technologies, “couple-time” could become a more personalized and creative idea.
- Do—try and keep costs at a minimum so that spending doesn’t cause resentment. (After all, the number one reason most marriages fail in the first year is because of stresses related to money.) You might as well make it as easy as possible. Most airlines have a frequent flier program (and in many cases, a joint program with a credit card institution); set your and your loved one up in one of these programs to earn extra points. Additionally, you and your other half can join a cellular company that has free “in-network” calls.
- Do—visit as often as possible. Men think with their little heads much of the time. They need to see you to remember what they’re missing. And no surprise visits either. Taking the time to plan your visit and to make sure he’s available shows thoughtfulness and courtesy. Your visit will be much more pleasant if he has actually set aside time to spend with you, instead of trying to fit you in between the football game and the beer-can-crushing contest.
- Do—spend the time and money on a professional photo shoot. Men are visual creatures, so how do you keep him thinking about you when he can’t see you? Answer: Get some sizzlin’, smokin’, hot, pictures of yourself taken and send them to him. He’ll not only find this gesture fun and sexy, it will get both his heads focused on YOU! If he’s going to fantasize about someone, why not let it be you?
- Do—call once in a while but don’t call every night asking him where he’s been and what he’s been doing. You’ll have to trust him. If you’re not exclusive—you’re just that, not exclusive. Translation: Keep dating other people.
- Do—communicate your feelings and concerns, but don’t expect him to start sounding like a Hallmark commercial.
- Don’t—harp on the long distance thing when you talk on the phone and the fact that you never see each other. Instead, focus on the positive. Tell him about the interesting things you’ve been doing and ask about his life as well. Talking about other things lets him know that you’re not obsessed with the relationship, and keeps him from thinking you’re boring to talk to.
- Don’t—offer to drop your entire life and move to his city, especially if this is a new and budding relationship. Not only does this make you look like a psycho and a stalker, it is a HUGE life-changing decision that you cannot just undo if you change your mind about him—or he changes his mind about you.
If you have made a serious commitment to each other and you are BOTH sure about moving to the next level of the relationship, the two of you must have a serious discussion about the future—your future, both together, as a couple, and as individuals. Take the time to talk about it and think about what you are getting yourself into—relocation is not something to be taken lightly.
