Dear April,

So, three months ago I started dating the owner of a gym. Before we started dating, he mentioned that he did spray tans on women and that at times they get completely undressed in front of him in this small private room. After we started dating, I expressed my discomfort in the fact that he continued that type of work. He said he would stop. Well, we had a photo shoot at the gym with several other models. Yes, he left the door open while he sprayed the other girls down and to my dismay, I witnessed one of the girls lift her top and he said NOTHING. It upset me and we moved on and supposedly he has stopped doing that. Now, a photographer is paying to fly me out to Florida and wanting to do a photo shoot in which it is possible that my parts may be unintentionally exposed to the photographer because it is an implied nude shoot. He is furious and wants to battle it out saying that he didn’t intend to do his spray tanning to hurt me, however, I argue that he continued to do it even after my first request to cease and that really, if he argues that there was no harm done there…neither is there where I am going. It seems to me that this is a double-standard and the funny thing is, “he hopes that I prove him wrong and don’t go through with it” but this is an opportunity for me and he acted without regard to my feelings, so feel that it shouldn’t really matter. Right??

Signed,

Photo Shoot

Dear Photo Shoot,

Of course there’s a double standard! You can fight it or you can accept it and work with it. My advice is the latter in this case. 

The main problem is that you met a man who has a job that involves working with naked women, and that bothers you. He had the job before he met you and he didn’t hide it from you — in fact he was upfront about it with you. That he was so upfront suggests he understands that some women will have a problem with his profession and he wanted to make sure you were okay with it before getting too involved. You’ve got to respect him for that! You decided to date him….and then you decided you didn’t like his job — and asked him to change the way he did it. It was unrealistic for you to expect him to change a job he’s had that predates you, is legal, is the source of his livelihood, and is one he warned you about up front. 

It sounds from your post like you’re a model, and this is your first nude modeling job (or partially nude, anyway). You need to decide if this is something you want to pursue because there will be men who don’t want to date you because of this kind of work (and men who do, specifically because of this work!). I don’t think this guy knew that you did nude modeling when he met you, but now that he does, he gets to decide if he wants to continue dating you since you clearly want to take this job. Rather than judge, accept and decide what works best for you in both cases — yours and your boyfriend’s. 

If you can’t be with a man who’s job is spraying tan product on women for a living, then decide you’re incompatible. If your nude modeling is important to you, and more so than if it’s a deal breaker with this one guy, then choose your job over the relationship. 

This doesn’t have to be a big deal if you step back and decide what it is you want in a relationship — a man who deals with nude women, a doctor, a businessman who works in an office, a janitor or a sports figure — among other jobs. Some men and women don’t want to date doctors who work erratic hours or policemen who’s lives are in danger. Some women think lawyers are too argumentative to date or teachers don’t make enough money. Whatever your thoughts about a man’s career, you get to say no — and so does he. This situation be a place for you to learn more about what’s important to you — and what’s important to this guy you’re dating, too.