Dear April,

I started dating a guy about four months ago. We have know each other professionally for approximately two years and I made the initial contact indicating my interest in getting to know him better. We became friends and began spending a lot of time together when we were not working. About one month after this, I asked as to what he wanted into the relationship. He indicated that he wanted to take things slowly because he was in a prior relationship which lasted seven years and had broken up approximately two years before and there were some issues he need to sort through. We became very close after that physically as well. We acted and pretty much represented ourselves to colleagues and friends and family as a couple. 

Approximately two weeks ago I was informed that his ex girl friend actively wanted to get back together with him. Since we had not spoken about the status of our relationship I again asked as to where we were at and he indicated that he felt we were dating and was happy. I then told him what I had heard about his ex girl friend. He then indicated that when he told me he had issues to figure out earlier that it was regarding her. He stated that he felt guilty as to how he had broken up with her and had not been able to deal with it. He also stated that he continued to speak with her and helped her through tough times over the past two years and had asked her to get back together with him about two or three times over the last two years and even a month prior to when I first approached him. However she was in a relationship at that time. He also said he didn’t raise the issue with me because he enjoyed what he had with me and feared he would lose me.

I could not accept this position so I decided to take a step back out of the relationship. We have maintained a speaking relationship (daily!) so far and it feels the same as if we were together except without the physical intimacy (at least for me). I feel that this person is someone that I am compatible with and has many of the qualities that I would look for in a long term relationship. I do not want to lose him. He is someone worth fighting for and I am not sure if he is even available. Should I try to stay friends and wait for him to figure it out after which may or may not be in my favor or should I make a clean break and walk away?

Signed,

Confused

Dear Confused,

I suggest you make a clean break and walk away. I only ever advise this when there is no chance for a compatible goal. This guy is clearly in love with his ex-girlfriend whom he dated for seven years, and is still not over her two years post break up — in fact he’s been trying to get back together with her and has stayed in her life. He didn’t tell you about her because he knew you’d figure out he was more serious about her than he was about you. You were serving as a place holder until she is available to him again. 

It’s always better to let the guy make the first move. When you pursued the initial contact with him, you took that opportunity away from him. If you hadn’t pursued him, I don’t think he ever would have gotten involved with you — because he wasn’t interested. When you did, he didn’t have anything else serious going on, so he took you up on your offer. I know it’s frustrating when a man you want doesn’t ask you out, but if you’re giving him all the signs that you’re interested and he still doesn’t date you, it’s because he’s not ready; not interested or not available. Those are all good reasons to look for someone else. 

Now, he’s not available to you as boyfriend material. He’s invested emotionally elsewhere. You deserve someone who’s available and ready to commit one hundred percent!  This guy isn’t. He may have all the qualities you are looking for in a man, but he’s more interested in another woman with whom he has had a long term relationship — and that makes him Mr. Wrong for you. Think about your shopping excursions. If you wear a size eight and the perfect dress is in a size zero, it would be pointless for you to buy the size zero and wait for it to fit you! You need to find a dress that fits you beautifully and you need to find a man who is your match, as well. This guy isn’t that. 

Don’t wait. Get out there and look elsewhere. While you’re sitting around waiting for Mr. Wrong to come after you, all the possible Mr. Rights are walking by, wondering why you don’t look at them!