Dear April,

I am thinking about getting back with my ex, but I’m just not sure… Can you tell me when attempting a reconciliation is a good thing (and when it’s a waste of time) as well as some basic rules to follow for the best possible results?

Signed,

To Reconcile or Not?

Dear To Reconcile or Not,

I DO, I DO

For better or worse, some people just can’t seem to break the ties that bind them. They make splitting up and getting back together seem like an art form they’ve perfected it to such a fine degree. But just because you can’t make a clean break doesn’t mean you two belong together. What it can mean is that you’re actually addicted to him/her, that you’re co-dependent, that you couldn’t find someone else so you figured you may as well stick with who you know. 

There are a veritable plethora of possibilities, but, of course, most people like to tell themselves the most romantic one — that their inability to separate indicates they were made to be together. And sure, while this may be the case for a rare few, you’ve got to ask yourself what has changed — I mean, really changed — since the last time. Because if the answer isn’t a significant one, I can guarantee you’ll be breaking up (or hitting up the judge for divorce number two) within no time. The key is to really take a hard look at why you’re willing to try again, and not just let time wash away the memories of things that were bad enough to split you two the first time. 

You know what they say, Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

Reconciliation or just a shot at make up sex?  

Reconciling is sweet. Serial reconciling leaves a bad aftertaste and a lack of trust. Here are the Do’s & Don’ts of when to reconcile, and when not to. 

DO RECONCILE

1. If there was a misunderstanding. No regrets — that’s the best way to live. So if you find that you broke up because you thought he was cheating — and it turns out he wasn’t — or some other miscommunication or misinformation — give it a shot. 
2. If one or both of you has made adjustments in your life. If you know why you broke up and how things are now different in a way that would make things work, give it a shot. Sometimes being apart makes you realize that you made a mistake. Not everyone is able to see the results of their actions as quickly as others.  
3. If you have children together, and you have gotten professional help to guide your reconciliation with the family, give it a try. Carefully. You’re not just dealing with two hearts here. 

DON’T RECONCILE

1. If one of you has a criminal history, and that is the reason for the break up, you may be putting yourself in danger. Passion is one thing. A long term, healthy relationship is another. Get help to appreciate your situation.  
2. Addiction in a relationship is not something that people can usually get over without help. Addictive behavior also includes bouncing in and out of relationships. Watch it. Get help. Get healthy. Wait a year before you date anyone.  
3. Serial spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends are a way of life for some people. If this is what you want, reconcile away, but if what you’re looking for is a lasting, meaningful relationship, not just another pearl in a strand of beads that is your relationship life, don’t reconcile.