Dear April,

I’ve been married for 10 years and in the last 4 my husband stopped having sex or any type of intimacy and we now sleep in separate bedrooms. I love him but I feel that part of our life is over. He is the one who is no longer interested as he has E.D. (erectile dysfunction). I feel so cheated out of a healthy sex life. Recently I ran into a male friend who is in the exact same situation and would like to pursue a sex-only relationship. I am torn. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to deceive my husband and I have openly told him I am craving sex. Any advice out there? I’ve never cheated and I never imagined my marriage being like this.

Signed,
No More Sex In My Marriage

Dear No More Sex in My Marriage,

If you think you can have a sex-only relationship outside of your marriage, and that that will keep your sexless marriage intact, you’re mistaken. Here’s one reason why: When women have sex, they develop feelings for the man, and if you start an extramarital sexual relationship that you think is going to be sex only — buckle up for a bumpy road ahead, because you will develop feelings for this other guy. Here’s reason number two: This other guy who you want to have sex with outside of your marriage, is married, himself. Even if he is able to sustain his sex-only relationship with you, if his wife finds out, I guarantee she’s not going to go for the fact that he loves her, but wants sex with you, and that you love your husband but just want sex with him. We’re talking major chaos. This isn’t going to work the way you’re hoping, and you know it. Having an affair to patch up a problem in the marriage isn’t going to fix things. It will complicate them.

The real problem here is between you and your husband. When a man has erectile dysfunction, it doesn’t mean your sex life together has to be over. There are things you can do to help the situation. For instance: It would be a good idea for your husband to get a full physical with his doctor to see if there’s something physically wrong that can be corrected, or if the problems he’s having are a symptom of something else, like a new medication. Let a professional work with the two of you. There are also prescriptions for men with this issue that are intended to support your sex life, and if your husband is willing to try them with his physician’s care, that might very well help! And, there are things your loving husband can do for you that don’t involve intercourse, but that are sexual. Remember that if your husband really has erectile dysfunction, he’s probably depressed about it. So if the two of you can deal with this issue as a marital issue, not just his problem, he’s going to feel a lot more optimistic about life, the marriage, himself, and you.

So, start talking to your husband about what the two of you can do together to make your marriage better — and that includes your sex life. You can also start by cutting out the two bedroom situation, as of tonight. Just crawl into bed with him. Cuddling and sleeping together in the same bed in the same room is an important first step towards reestablishing intimacy. Next, spend time together on romantic dates that don’t necessarily include sex, but that do promote intimacy and affection. Spending time together, like sleeping in the same bed (and bedroom), paves the way for sex. So get back to the things that support your sex life together, and don’t shy away from problems — instead, face them together as a team, and you’ll be back in your marriage and moving towards a better sex life, not away from it.