Dear April,

I’m in an 18 month relationship with this amazing guy, but something keeps bugging me — his ex. The girl he was dating before me for six months (it wasn’t a real relationship, more a have sex and hang out relationship) is everything you don’t want your boyfriend’s ex to be. She is funny, social, popular and beautiful. The fact that he still keeps in touch with her hurts me. He texts her every once in a while, talks to her at parties and it makes me jealous and insecure. I’ve talked to him about it and he said there is nothing to worry about. The next time we saw her he ignored her for my sake but I heard later on that he apologized to her about ignoring her and said he would never do it again and that I wouldn’t change that. Also he wanted to keep their conversations a secret because he didn’t want me to know because it would be unfair to me. I love him so much, but why does he feel the need to keep in touch?

Signed,
Boyfriend in Secret Contact with His Ex

Dear Boyfriend in Secret Contact with His Ex:

Your boyfriend is in touch with his ex because he wants to be. And rather than telling him that it upsets you or that you’re insecure, you’ll do better with these two pieces of advice:

1. Don’t make a big deal out of something that isn’t. If you create a problem where there is none, you’ll have done just that — created a problem. Clearly, he’s holding on to her for some reason, and if you start handing out ultimatums, you’re going to end up with more stress, and possibly a break up reason down the line. You may not like this, but telling him about it isn’t going to help your cause.
2. Compete for his attention. Men will go where they feel good, and if he feels good when he’s with her, you can expect him to go there. So…. with that knowledge, make him feel good about being with you! Instead of turning into a mother with a bunch of rules where he can and can’t go and be, make it more enticing for him to be with you.